This takes time to develop because of our own preconceived notions of what life should be like, what each person’s role in the family should be and their behavior. The more you open your mind and you allow people to be themselves, the more comfortable and happy everyone will be. It’s much better to be at peace, than to be right.

Me, around five years old. Do I look like Will or Stevie?

One of my earliest memories is of me with a little easel and my stuffed animals, about ten of them, sitting on my Little Tykes picnic table. I was teaching them. I must have been about four or five years old, but I distinctly remember helping them take notes on a notebook, squiggles really, and making sure they paid attention. I don’t remember what exactly I was teaching, but I do remember the feeling of being happy that I was up there, by my easel, teaching them something. Little did I know that I would in fact become a teacher, and that every single experience I had growing up would ready me into becoming who needed to be today: myself.

I was in Puerto Rico until I was twelve years-old, then I lived in Chile until I was fourteen, Mexico City until I was sixteen, and then we moved to Texas. Being the new kid, and at times the odd one, was part of my essential operating system and I became particularly observant of language and nuance. At an early age, I internalized the importance of human communication and interaction, and how to navigate it and its variations according to language and culture.

All those changes during my formative years also taught me compassion, empathy and humility. I became accustomed to be in someone else’s shoes because I knew that for them to understand me, I had to think like them. I had to emulate them. I had to ask detailed questions and be clear in my expressions.

Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Yes.

It was the perfect preparation for communication with my own non-verbal child.

And to top it all off, I even had the experience of a curious colleague at my university try an experiment with those around him: communicating without spoken language, instead using signs and facial expressions. He would often enter the break room in our department, silently bow, then smile, look at whoever was there for a moment, then leave. It was definitely puzzling for anyone who did not know what he was attempting to do, but it made me grapple with my own understanding of language and communication.

It’s interesting how when you look back, you can find all those times you were receiving preparation for the next stage in your life. It seems it is best not to take shortcuts in life. Who knows what kind of preparation you might have missed?

But I digress...

I was already open minded to people being different, but having a child on the Autism spectrum blew my ideas about open mindedness out of the water.

Here was a person who could hardly communicate, and therefore had great difficulty being understood. He had needs that I had never lived with before: the need to pace, “eeeeee”, jump, squeeze, speak loudly, spin, use dialogue in movies and books to communicate ideas (otherwise called “scripting”, it is when a child is pre-verbal and a very good sign that he or she is learning the language), among others. It was overwhelming and I felt powerless at times. And there is nothing more unnerving to a mother than to not have control over the situation of her children.

However, through the power of the practice of surrender, I realized I had a choice. My choice was to relinquish control as best as I could where it counted.

I had to create the space to let Will BE Will. This can be hard when we are all hardwired into thinking “This, whatever each one of us understands what this is, is how a child should behave at home.” So, we try to forcefully mold the child into something they are not. This is a recipe for disaster and heartache.

Then I noticed this extended to my husband too. I love him for who he is, but there were moments when I realized I was trying to make him do or be something that was not in his nature. This brought on suffering for me because I didn’t think he cared for me enough to do what I wanted him to do. The great thing about being in a partnership with someone that is your equal, is being lovingly shown that that’s not the case. We can challenge each other to be the best version of ourselves, but we also need to allow the other person to be exactly where they are in their life’s journey. It all works best when we are witnesses to each other’s lives and grow in our relationships with each other.

Instead of trying to change those around me, through yoga, reiki, meditation, prayer, journaling, I took the attention inward.

This gave me the opportunity to take a step back and see who I truly was: what was I doing here, what brought me joy, how was I like with others, how was I like with myself?

WHY did I want to change other people? Why did I expect different behavior? Would it bring me joy if I molded everyone around me to do what I wanted them to do?

As soon as I saw that my desires in changing others were rooted in the fear of being alone, not loved and separate from God, I was able to be more compassionate and forgiving with myself. I learned to love myself. The more I loved myself, the deeper the sense of peace I felt, the less I wanted to will people into something they were not.

It hurt when Will didn’t look at me in the eyes or return my “I love you”. But once I truly understood in my being that he loved me, LOVES me, no matter what I PERCEIVE of him, I was at peace. I could let him be.

Then something miraculous happened. He started to look at me in the eye. He returned my “I love you”s, verbally. And then, he freely gave me his “I love you” in his own way: in the shape of a cutout he playfully wanted to give me as a surprise.

Little. Miracles. Every. Day.

Practical tips on how to give space to each other:

Discipline and boundaries are very much still part of the equation, they’re just approached differently and with consciousness. They have to be appropriate and at the right developmental level for them. This is why we are thankful for our ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) therapy parent training. It taught us how to meet our boys where they are.

Instead, we have instilled certain allowances/spaces for each other. And we all respect and are expected to respect each other’s spaces and time. If we don’t, we all feel safe to call each other out on it. And we do. My boys call me on it all the time!

For the boys, we have the following allowances and resources:
For us (the parents):
- Take excellent care of our minds, bodies and spirits
- Kick each other out of the house to go do something fun
  - by ourselves
  - with friends
  - with each other
For ALL in the household:
- LISTEN to each other
- RESPECT each other
- ALLOW yourselves to BE yourselves
- SUPPORT each other
- Take RESPONSIBILITY for yourselves and your emotions

Give each other space and time to be yourselves without judgement